Friday, August 17, 2007

So You Own A Personalized Jersey....

First things first, I'm deeply sorry. Second things second, I don't know if we can be friends anymore. Why, you ask? Because jokers who put their own name on the jersey of their favorite team bother me. A lot. They bother me more than bandwagon fans, more than fans who boo their own team (much more on this in an upcoming post), more than unknowledgable fans who don't know that they don't know anything; even more than fans of miami-area teams (essentially the first 3 types of terrible fans all rolled up into one loud-mouthed package, but I'm not gonna let myself go off on a tangent here).

What iritates me so much is that no self-respecting, normal male sports fan would ever, ever, EVER buy one for himself. These things are almost always forced on to people; whether it be by family members, significant others, or insanity. Think about your most common personalized jersey-wearer:

1) The 1o-and-under crowd who doesn't really have a choice in the matter and doesn't want to throw a temper tantrum and risk not getting to go (for the record, this will be the last time I mention this group; Sports Indeed doesn't take cheap shots at the kids),

2) The fanatical, borderline nutjob who'd probably run over an opposing team's player with their car if given the chance, and

3) The guy who got it from his girlfriend/wife and only wears it when she decides to come to a game with him.

Side note about #3: Ladies, if you're thinking about buying that special guy in your life a jersey with his name on the back, please ask his friends first, for his sake. If they say no, don't get it. If they say yes, and start laughing or look like they're trying not to laugh (be very aware of this response, it's the most likely), don't get it. If they say yes, ask your boyfriend/husband, screw the surprise, some things are more important, like his pride. If they say yes, and he says yes, break up with him.

Now if you are stuck with a personalized jersey, all hope is not lost, there are levels of acceptablitity, meaning that unless you fall into the last category, there are still some poor saps out there that even you can chew on. In order from most acceptable to least:

1. Your name matches the name of an actual player on the team. This makes for an easy explanation: "We were good friends as kids, we have the same last name, and now he plays for my favorite team. It was too crazy not to do." This is, of course, a lie, but when it comes to personalized jerseys, all bets are off. The only pitfall is that the number probably won't match; but this can be explained away by saying your "friend" was one of the last guys to make the team and thus has had his number switched multiple times. No one's going to do near the research necessary to find out if that's a lie, so you should be in the clear.

2. Your name, random number that has no connection to you at all. As you can see, there's really only one option that can have a positive spin. This is the first, and least severe, of the terrible ones.

3. Your name, number that you wore in your high school "playing days." Dear this person, you weren't good then, and you're worse now. Please stop doing this to yourself.

4. Your name, number of the team's star. Unequivocally, undeniably, irrefutably the worst of all the personalized jerseys. This is the turkey wearing the Pats #13 jersey with the name Garcia on the back. You know who you are buddy, although you probably aren't reading this.

That's all I've got for now. Make sure to check for my next opinions column in a week or so or month or year or.......



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