Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The Unnamed Victims of Michael Vick

the other day i saw a teenage kid walking down the street wearing a michael vick jersey. he was probably just being a smartass, but this got me to thinking - there are people out there who own a jersey that is totally worthless. over the years i have owned hardy nickerson, warrick dunn and john lynch jerseys, and it was always a sad day when those players left the bucs. but i could always wear the jersey without being a total jackass, a luxury once proud owners of vick's jersey do not have.

but the people who are REALLY screwed are the people who have michael vick tattoos. i actually know a lot about this, despite the fact that i myself have no tattoos. why, you ask?

because, when i was twelve, i was dead set on getting a shawn kemp tattoo.

shawn kemp was a fantastic basketball player at the time, a ferocious dunker, seemingly with room to develop, paired with gary payton in his prime. i probably played with that sonics team 3/4 of the time on NBA Live '95 (a game so great it deserves its own post) and i pulled hard for them in the '96 Finals. so, because all people from the age of eleven to sixteen are pretty much total idiots, i decided i needed to have this man inked on my right arm. i never really planned it out in detail, but i imagine it would have looked like this:

actually, maybe the basketball should be a flaming skull.

point is, after the lockout, the reign man gained almost 150 pounds, the label of malcontent, and roughly 14-58 illegitimate children. he was never again even marginally relevant as a basketball player. AND I ALMOST HAD HIS FACE PERMANENTLY PLACED ON MY ARM.

that's the position anyone with a vick tattoo is essentially in now, and there's no going back. the safest course of action is clearly to never get any person tattooed on you, be it mother teresa or tony dungy or even, god bless his salty self, ole ball coach. say jarvis moss never finds the strength of thor and doesn't block that kick in the south carolina game - wouldn't you feel a little shitty taking a shower the next day and looking down at the visored one tatted on your left pec?

i thought so.

(but grant should still get the box scores of every florida-georgia game inked on his back if he ever wants to be respected as a true gator fan.)




Thor said...

Thanks for the shout out to my last name. Ask Mr. Griffin about if if you're confused.

Eric said...

If I have Spurrier on my left pec I am never ashamed.